image

i stand

I stand for You,alone. 

TIME will heal and TIME will mend

Its been so long since i posted my thoughts here, well, this morning i didn't go to school, i'll be showing up later in the afternoon, all because of some personal stuff , and i have cough and colds. yeah. Im actually wrapped around a towel while typing. So the title of this post have nothing to do, or is not guilty of what im gonna talk about. If you notice i wasn't able to keep up with the 30 day letter challenge, i've been so busy at school, im barely breathing. Im in school for twelve long boring hours, enduring everything! I actually thought that this kind of strategy wont work for teenagers like me, if the head of our school would only realize, that our brain gets slower and slower, and wont function better in whatever we're doing!

MIMI"S SPECIAL DAY!

YEAH we had loads of fun, yesterday! Micoleen knew she would have a party but she didn't know about the twists. So me and her mother planned it all out! AND IT WAS LIKE! SURPRISE! ahah! we had karaoke, and games! and when others already left we picked up the guitar and sung her a special song! and it made me cry! okay! whatever!

HERE's a picture of mimi, crying and kinda smiling.

        

         AND here we go! SOUL MATES! i super duper love, mimi, she's super patient with my moods, in spite of everything i have done to her, she still love me! and that kind of love is just so great, that kind of love cannot be found a million times, i am blessed. I thank her for she has been there through everything, supporting and caring, mimi deserves this kind of party, she deserves what she have now. AND i thank God for blessing her, i thank GOD for creating MIMI, a strong woman, wild, lovely, gorgeous and just amazing. thank you! thank you!

I LOVE YOU MIMI. mwaaaaaaaaah! :

and yeah, here's another picture.




dolly,me,mimi,justin.

trisha at school

weh?

last year's room christmas party. just want to relive the moments

angela and me. sweet smile.:)

micoleen and me, apple eating game

justine,me, and paul.

mico looking fresh, and liezl looking pretty!

micoleeen, oh simply micol.

just ....

happyyyy

who's gay? hahaha

girls.

FIRST TIME :/

This is completely wrong, I HATE YOU (too harsh) , okay not exactly hate, i just dont like you around. Whenever you're around i feel the intense pounding of my temples all because of the hatred im feeling. I never thought i would feel this way. I always thought i would loke you, but i was wrong.


GRRRR! i must not plant hatred on my heart!

day 2. A letter to a dinosaur.

dear dinosaur,

Can this letter revolve around me , instead of you?? Can you be my best friend for a while now?? See dinosaur, i really dont know you, i dont know what you look like, as long as you got ginormous teeth that would be kinda enough to describe you. But dino, you're not existing anymore, and that's the point, we could always pretend right?? Yeah but im tired of pretending dino, did you ever pretend in your life? or was " pretending" unknown to your specie? You didnt have to pretend that you are not hungry, because you can just go and search for something, someone. You didn't have to pretend that you're dangerous, oh so dangerous. But me, i have to pretend im happy, dino, i am not happy now, but i write super perfect smiles on my face. AM I BEING TOO EMO DINO?? okay, let's just talk about you.

DINO... OKAY... DINO... I CAN'T TALK ABOUT YOU.

dino, tonight im sad, tonight i hurt my sister, my mother and my father. Tonight , i want to get away, stuck myself in school so that i wouldn't have to go home, and face reality. To be honest i have faced so many realities and problems dino, im just sick and tired of it.

yesterday we had diagnostic examination on mapeh, and there was a dumb question like this.

WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO SOLVE A PROBLEM.
a. pretend that you dont have a problem.
b. face the problem.
c. turn to drugs.
d. go to your friends.

answer  A. would be so so so hard, yet so so so so easy.
            B.  is real hard, and tiring,
             C, is not for me. or for anyone else.
            D. wait who are my friends?

DINO, im boring you.

bye.

it just came to me

it flowed throughout my veins, like it will run there forever, i literally thought that i lost some organs of my body, for the emptiness i felt was so real, it was so real, i was fighting back tears. the feeling spoke to me and said, where will you go now? you're a sinner, you're nothing, you hurt your friends, your family and your FATHER. The friends i hurt, where all around me, trying to comfort me, trying to find out why,why i was silent, why there was a written frown on my face, why?

i struggled to find the answer, it felt like i was not inhaling oxygen at all, it felt like i was dying, i was thirsty, i was empty, i was nothing.

and sometimes i want to stop believing, i want to stop and analyze every bit of myself.

AND NOW, I KNEW, IM TURNING INTO SOMEONE I DONT KNOW... SOMEONE I HATE.

school

 and the madness starts now....

cuteness starts later

goodbye SECTION 2

Okay, just found out right this moment that im not going to be in section two. How heart breaking?? But i believe that everything has a purpose, and im still excited to go to school! I m setting my mind and heart for any first day heart breaking surprises.!

I knew it was wrong

Have you ever been in a situation when you're about to commit sin and you know you could say no and do the right thing, but you gave in?
Well,probably, you've been in that situation, and i've been in that place for so many times, so many times! And its wrong, i know , without a doubt that it is wrong, but i tried to convince myself that once in a while could be okay, but i didn't realize that my "once in a whiles" are piling up. And its not even right for me to say that once in a while is okay, im a christian and i should be protecting my heart from things that will destroy me, but i have to admit sometimes i let my guards down, and here i am feeling so bad, regretting what i have done, hoping i would find Him and He would find me. Im sorry, but my words are not enough, i could easily break my "sorries" i could  be swayed by the world's wind, i could give in to the world and say " yeah its okay". I could do that, i could fall, i could sin all over and over again. And with this in mind i should be aware of my weakness, i should start guarding my heart. Sometimes us people say sorry but without repentance, and i did that alot of times, i wonder why i keep on falling out? maybe because i never did repent with all of my heart. OR maybe i thought i gave all of me to God but unconsciously i have given parts of my heart to the things of the world.

For the past few days, God has been showing me things , great things. And i knew that before i could take a step i should set my heart on God alone, i should live with the desire to please Him, i should be ready for everything He will ask me to do, but i wont have the strength if there's something going on wrong with my spiritual life, if something's going wrong with my relationship with God.

I have asked for forgiveness many times, and sometimes it made me feel like i have done so many bad things and God just ran away from me, but i was wrong i am the one who's been running away, because i confused my directions, i have placed myself in the grey area when i should have placed myself in the white area. I could have decided what road to take, but i chose to dance between the two roads, and whenever i sin i would feel so bad, and after saying sorry, i could just do it again.

By now, i should set things straight with my life, i have to choose. I want to live a righteous life, but sometimes its just hard to. I must prepare my heart, i must ask for cleansing and do the right thing.

FOCUS

My brain is not really functioning the way it usually do. What am i feeling? Im actually not bored,sad,happy,numb or joyful, im not troubled. I think im just having a blank feeling. I was chatting with roen a few minutes ago. Talking about how God is speaking to me everyday, showing me things that i must do. Im actually not in the mood for understanding everyone right now, im in the mood of everyone understanding me right now, and that's not  a good mood. Anyways am i being mean?? guess that mood is just soooo sooo unfair.

Few more days i'll be going to school, so now i mus set my mind straight , i must prepare myself spiritually, for there will be temptations around me that i may or may not fall for, If i fall for a temptation that would lead me to breaking my commitment to God. For example, im really not going to cheat this school year. Im not a super cheater but when your friends give you the answer and you're not even asking for it what should you do? plus you dont know the answer. That's really tempting, so im praying for strength and for wisdom. Oh dear, i need to focus right now, to be able to do what He wants me to do. Because some things must be done not for yourself but for others.

got to go.

i think she might be someone close.

might be?

NUMB

For the past few days i feel so numb, and i also did alot of things that doesn't please God. There was a time when i was hurting, but i liked it, i liked the pain and it felt like i want it to stay. I m afraid i m heading to somewhere scary but its good that i shared it with some of my Christian friends and they told sometimes they can feel that way too. And somehow it was an assurance that im not alone, that everybody can go through these or should i say everybody must go through these.

Oh well i use to be so funny when i post in blogs but now i just need to be serious because that's what im going through, i can't pretend and i wont. its 4:17 am and im at my church friend's house, it was her bday and we planned a sleepover, but all of them are asleep while im still here tryin to get myself out. i always blogged because it feels good to let it out to the whole world. And yeah, i think soon im gonna fall in once again.

love.
trish

everything feels like a movie! and finally i wondered why im so serious here! posting oh-so-serious-posts is not good for my blog's health. ahaha maybe its just for this week! next week we'll experience goofiness!

thoughts now

i m not a person who easily shares my deeper side to anyone, even to my closest friends. So when i blog, it feels like someone knows what im going through, what im feeling, who i am, and who i am not. I dont share my deeper side, because i dont want anyone to go ahead and just talk and talk and speak comforting words, because to be honest i dont get comforted by that. I use to want that, i use to look for those words, i used to need that, but i never heard those really comforting words from anyone and now im just used to not hearing that, and i dont want it anymore...

Another reason is, that when you talk to people they tend to comment and sometimes hurt you, im not saying that im against all sorts of communication and socialization with humans, i enjoy talking. But i dont enjoy sharing that serious side. So if i share it to someone, he/she must be very close to my heart.. I somehow want my life to be so personal, i seldom let anyone close to my heart, im afraid of hurting. But then all of us must go through that process, HURTING, and after that we can start HEALING, and i say this because i understand it.

Some time ago in school, it was a very dry afternoon ( when i said dry i meant emotionally dry). And my friends are gonna go out after classes but for some reason, i dont want to be with them, i want to isolate myself, but i ended up staying inside the room with some classmates im not really close with, and we were in a circle and i was supposed to sing and play the guitar, i was about to sing the song i composed. But that song, was made out of sadness i felt for not finding love here on earth, sadness because people's love is constantly changing,but i found  love in JESUS. Somehow though that song has a happy ending, before i was able to finish the first verse, i just broke down, and cried. I cried in front of some people that were strangers to my heart, i let out myself in front of them, i showed my weakness yet my strength too. i told them about how people hurt me, and how i wanted to heal, and that afternoon was the best afternoon ever.After all its good to let yourself out to humans once in awhile, because i use to just write myself out, sing my self oout.

and now its weird for me to see how awkward the way i pertain to "humans" as if im not one of them, trust me i am one.


oh that was long!
trisha